16 countries. 16 teams. 16 songs. It’s the Euro 2012 Song Contest – the very cream of the world’s musical and footballing talent collide in one beautiful, melodic car-wreck. Only one winner will emerge: you, the listener.
Group A
Poland
What’s Shaggy been up to since his It Wasn’t Me heyday? Becoming Polish and nurturing an obsession for football, apparently. We’re going to presume the man’s got a grandmother from Poznan and this isn’t just a cynical attempt at a mid-career boost in Central Europe, because this track completely mops up the 2012 competition. The sound of FIFA 2013 and beyond.
Czech Republic
We’re not the only country with a Saw Doctors, you know.
Russia
The Ruski version of Apres Match released this satirical track for Euro 2008. A nu-metal version of the ubiquitous Olé Olé Olé chant, this number is as terrifying as Yuri Shirkov flying in at you studs-first.
Greece
The Greeks have spent so much time getting their entire population behind the ball for the last ten years that they haven’t had time to put a good song together. Helen Paparizou is the country’s best performer on the European stage, and if Greece bring the trophy home this summer she will do a rendition of Greased Lightning before being melted down, along with the trophy, for drachma.
Group B
Germany
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDEfaonoQvg
Believe it or not, The Village People sang the 1994 official German World Cup song which arguably isn’t even the worst German football song. Titled Far Away In America, The Village People seemed to be a suitable morale booster, with each character representing an American character. The song reached number 44 in the German charts that July.
Netherlands
Hup Holland Hup is a traditional Dutch football anthem, performed live in Maastrict by Dutch violinist, conductor, and fan of pirouetting about the stage like a plank, Andre Rieu. The show was recorded following the World Cup final between Netherlands and Spain. The anthem is accompanied by a full orchestra. Hup the yard.
Portugal
Por Por Por Por Tu Gal Gal, Por Por Por Por Por Tu Gal Gal Gal Gal. Now sing that to the tune of Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes. Voila.
Denmark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl3tTRY1ELI
Re-Sepp-Ten was the Danish World Cup song of 1986. Originally the lyrics were to be decided by the readers of a Danish tabloid, but this inevitably didn’t go to plan leading to Danish 80s pop sensation Dodo and the Dodos stepping in to help by singing the infamous line “Mother Denmark loves all Danish boys who can bang … the ball.”
Group C
Spain
This is the official Spanish Euro 2012 song is performed by Spanish Grammy Award winner David Bisbal. Less Balearic House, more Darius vs. David Guetta, this number is as formulaic as tiki-taka, but not really as much fun to watch.
Croatia
“–>There is only 1 thing in my life that’s worth it to share a tear from my eye becouse I love only U, It would give my life just like she knew that she will never disapere from my mind CROATIA, WHIT PRIDE ON OUR LAND KISS THE AMBLEM ON YOUR CHEST in Adriatic and on Sava <Dunav and on Drava lets party ALL DAY & NIght… THe rest is History and words from the heart UVIK NAJJACI HRVATSKAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!”
Italy
We’ve got a serious football hunks boner from the Azzurro video, featuring, amongst other things, an indication as to what Alesandro del Piero might be doing with his spare retirement time. This was composed by Adriano Celantato in the late 60s, which is probably why it sounds so timelessly, effortlessly crap.
Ireland
Our fate in both the Eurovision Song Contest and our output of beasting, battle-cry anthems like the glorious Put ‘Em Under Pressure has been sadly intertwined. Between Jedward’s green capes and Damo Dempsey loving rocky road bars, there’s seriously slim pickings for chants this year, so we would like to posit an alternative: Paul McGrath’s poignant, but uplifting The Contender. He’s our 12th man, you know.
Group D
Ukraine
This is the English version of Ukraine’s official song for the Euro 2012. Check out the strange and irrelevant video with a dodgy animation reminiscent of Muzzy Mór. Nice Autotune, guys.
England
Even those who spit on pictures of the Queen’s Jubilee for fun can’t deny that the Lightning Seeds, Baddiel and Skinner’s Three Lions, written at the height of Cool Britannia, is as catchy as Joe Hart in target practice. Known the world over as the only successful thing the English football team has been associated with since 1966, it benefits from a) not having John Barnes rapping over it, and b) the lads having the same register as your average terrace chanter. Whoever tells you it’s a poor man’s Vindaloo is a lout.
France
The official song from that time France had a big cock for a mascot and managed to actually win a trophy, Dario G’s Carnival de Paris is still one of the most renowned football anthems. A seamless mesh of gypsy instrumentation and a soca beat that essentially prefaced UK Funky (that’s right).
Sweden
For a country famous for its pop nous as much as its shit-brickhouse footballers, it’s no surprise Sweden has one of the best, and weirdest odes to a striker you’re likely to find. Who’s Da Man is a dub reggae number, apparently sung by a 7 year old boy. Half-English, half-Swedish, and with one sick chorus hook, this one’s as lethal as a Zlatan toepoke.
